Jealous Love

As this year has steadily unfolded, I've felt myself draw nearer to Jesus than I have ever been. Of course I have my faults still (as I'm afraid that I may always will), but it all has just been clicking lately and it just feels so good. Recently, however, I was confronted with a feeling in my heart that I haven't experienced in a while: You guessed it, part of the title of the blog, Jealousy.

I do have a fiance and though I'm sure many young women in the world wish they could have him, but I wasn't jealous of them or him - his heart is focused on Jesus and then me, and this I have no doubts over. My friends have also made me feel jealous in previous years if one of them got to hang out with the other and I had to be somewhere and I felt uninvolved. This feeling wasn't about them, though, either.

For the first time in my walk with the Lord I believe that I've felt what it means to have jealous love for someone. I thought of my friends in Africa doing God's work and them being able to see the miracle of salvation and other miracles as well and experience these miracles even in their own lives (see http://www.gtafriccamission.blogspot.com/ ), and I became jealous. I was struck to my seat by this feeling in the beginning of chapel and my mind wandered: Why should I be jealous of God doing work in and through other people? Could I possibly be so dense?

Desperacy. I know this isn't a word, but I'd like to think that it's the ongoing state of being overtaken by and being desperate. I'm truly deperate to know Jesus and all that He is, to see His love flow into me and overflow to others, to see miracles in my life so I can attest to God's goodness and to pray for miracles in others' lives so the miracle can bring glory to God. I want...I need...I'm desperate to know Him. This is not about the things He does, I want to know HIM. [all this is said with tears in my eyes and sincerity of heart]

Think of a best friend that you admire. You might want to be seen with them because you know they're so cool and everyone loves them because of how great they are. Even when you can't be with them when they're working or going to class, you still want to know everything that's going on in their lives because you just enjoy having a relationship with them. In my time of jealous thoughts, I realized I just wanted to be involved with everything that God was doing because I want to be with Him in everything He's doing because He's SO COOL that I want to know more about Him!

Jealous love had overtaken me. I wish I would have lived in that state of love for Him forever, but as quickly as it set in, it passed away. What it would be to live so jealously in love with Him that we spend our days trying to be with Him more so that we could simply get to know Him? Man, do I desire to live this way.

But until then...

Until the world's not worthy.