Break My Legs

Journal Entry from 10/18/08

"Emotions flooded me as I left the movie theater. How could it be that the story on the screen could seem so complete & whole just within a matter of hours? Their lives held so much emotion, action, so much...purpose.

Driving down the road after the movie the only unshakable thought in my mind was, "Jesus, help me change the world." From a movie that had nothing to do with world-changing, mind you.

My heart is set on changing everything yet my feet follow the beat of the mundane, the useless, the worthless things that have so far laft me longing, yearning, and in a rut that keeps plunging deeper with every decision to follow the ordinary.

Maybe I'm writing this because I think it will transform me, but in reality, I will put down my pen, fall asleep, and this feeling will be replaced by something different - and less worthy.

My God,
My transformation seems impossible and surely it's because I've been to this place before...and I've failed miserably in upholding my end of the bargain. Call me stupid, but I heard You entered the flesh of man so You could do my part for me, because I was simply unable. If this is true, then what more is there? A sense of triumph should overtake us, but we're beaten down by the lies of our own minds and we remain with blurred vision while You have already placed glasses in our hands. ?

Jesus, I cry out. Make me a world-changer, a history-maker. If my feet take me in the wrong direction even once more, break my legs that I might be carried by You. I'd rather be disfigured and crawl to You than be able to run in the wrong direction. I'd rather have You and nothing else than possess the world and be found wanting."

It's true: I woke up the next day and my yearning to transform and be transformed was replaced by something less worthy - take hunger for example :-P. How can our desire to know God be rooted deeper than the emotion of a moment?