Intrinsically Selfish

Yes I, Nicole Kammetler, am selfish. My suitemate, Jen, and I have been having weekly prayer times together and this week we decided to try a project: Reach out to someone that you know looks up to you in some way and you just haven't invested any time into them. Easy enough, right? Maybe for you, but I'm intrinsically selfish.

We gave ourselves about a week to accomplish this goal. You may think, "wow, that's a lot of time to take a couple hours to spend with someone you normally don't hang out with." We thought that too. In fact, I had planned on meeting with my "project" or more appropriately, "the person I know I should be spending time with occasionally and yet have never 'had the time' to do so." I could do this.

I walked right passed her on the day I planned to have lunch with her, talking with one of my friends as she looked to me. Literally. My "project" followed me. Literally. Ignoring her in such a way, I realized my actions were rude, and maybe even selfish. Not me, surely not I. I'm so generous with monetary gifts and serving others and helping people in their desperate times of need. Yet I let this person ask me questions and follow me around as I continued to resume conversation with one of my friends who I spend time with daily. And then I ignored my plans and ate with the friends who I eat with frequently. Upon coming back to my room - I felt satisfied that I did what I wanted. Then it hit me that I didn't do what mattered to eternity at that moment; I followed temporal desires that will probably be burned up when I stand before the Judgment seat of God.

My suitemate wasn't able to complete her task either. Why is this? Were we too busy? I assure you that I have a busy schedule, but it wasn't that. Were we too shy? Nope, this is definitely not it. Was there no opportunity? My opportunity tracked me down and followed me - how much more of an open door did I need?

I'm sorry to burst everyone's bubble, but it's better for us all if I get this out there. I am intrinsically selfish. Though I spend time doing my own thing every single day, it was too hard for me to sacrifice one conversation and one meal in order to pour into someone who looks up to me. Sacrifice in other cultures means giving your life to become a martyr or suffering for the cause of Christ. As a westerner, I wish I could embrace this mindset, but I still think of fasting one meal as sacrifice, or driving someone to the store as a sacrifice, or eating with someone who is not my first choice to eat with as an actual sacrifice. Absolutely ridiculous.

Jesus paid the ultimate sacrifice for me by dying for me, knowing that I have the choice to turn from Him or following Him regardless of His sacrifice. It very well may have been wasted, but He died for me anyway. Yet I walk through life as if not watching a certain movie is a sacrifice for His kingdom. I am foolish. In His presence I can only cry, "woe is me, I am undone."

It is my desire within the next couple weeks to give of my time through sacrifice and beg God to change this cold heart of mine that I may be able to walk according to the faith that I profess.

Forgive me Lord, for being selfish and harming others' well beings in the process by not investing in them. Please change me now so that I have may store up treasures in Heaven that aren't burned up because my motives were wrong. Change me so that I may one day stand before You as one who has overcome. But until that day, Lord...

Until the world's not worthy. - Hebrews 11