Journal Entry from 10/18/08
"Emotions flooded me as I left the movie theater. How could it be that the story on the screen could seem so complete & whole just within a matter of hours? Their lives held so much emotion, action, so much...purpose.
Driving down the road after the movie the only unshakable thought in my mind was, "Jesus, help me change the world." From a movie that had nothing to do with world-changing, mind you.
My heart is set on changing everything yet my feet follow the beat of the mundane, the useless, the worthless things that have so far laft me longing, yearning, and in a rut that keeps plunging deeper with every decision to follow the ordinary.
Maybe I'm writing this because I think it will transform me, but in reality, I will put down my pen, fall asleep, and this feeling will be replaced by something different - and less worthy.
My God,
My transformation seems impossible and surely it's because I've been to this place before...and I've failed miserably in upholding my end of the bargain. Call me stupid, but I heard You entered the flesh of man so You could do my part for me, because I was simply unable. If this is true, then what more is there? A sense of triumph should overtake us, but we're beaten down by the lies of our own minds and we remain with blurred vision while You have already placed glasses in our hands. ?
Jesus, I cry out. Make me a world-changer, a history-maker. If my feet take me in the wrong direction even once more, break my legs that I might be carried by You. I'd rather be disfigured and crawl to You than be able to run in the wrong direction. I'd rather have You and nothing else than possess the world and be found wanting."
It's true: I woke up the next day and my yearning to transform and be transformed was replaced by something less worthy - take hunger for example :-P. How can our desire to know God be rooted deeper than the emotion of a moment?
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Jealous Love
As this year has steadily unfolded, I've felt myself draw nearer to Jesus than I have ever been. Of course I have my faults still (as I'm afraid that I may always will), but it all has just been clicking lately and it just feels so good. Recently, however, I was confronted with a feeling in my heart that I haven't experienced in a while: You guessed it, part of the title of the blog, Jealousy.
I do have a fiance and though I'm sure many young women in the world wish they could have him, but I wasn't jealous of them or him - his heart is focused on Jesus and then me, and this I have no doubts over. My friends have also made me feel jealous in previous years if one of them got to hang out with the other and I had to be somewhere and I felt uninvolved. This feeling wasn't about them, though, either.
For the first time in my walk with the Lord I believe that I've felt what it means to have jealous love for someone. I thought of my friends in Africa doing God's work and them being able to see the miracle of salvation and other miracles as well and experience these miracles even in their own lives (see http://www.gtafriccamission.blogspot.com/ ), and I became jealous. I was struck to my seat by this feeling in the beginning of chapel and my mind wandered: Why should I be jealous of God doing work in and through other people? Could I possibly be so dense?
Desperacy. I know this isn't a word, but I'd like to think that it's the ongoing state of being overtaken by and being desperate. I'm truly deperate to know Jesus and all that He is, to see His love flow into me and overflow to others, to see miracles in my life so I can attest to God's goodness and to pray for miracles in others' lives so the miracle can bring glory to God. I want...I need...I'm desperate to know Him. This is not about the things He does, I want to know HIM. [all this is said with tears in my eyes and sincerity of heart]
Think of a best friend that you admire. You might want to be seen with them because you know they're so cool and everyone loves them because of how great they are. Even when you can't be with them when they're working or going to class, you still want to know everything that's going on in their lives because you just enjoy having a relationship with them. In my time of jealous thoughts, I realized I just wanted to be involved with everything that God was doing because I want to be with Him in everything He's doing because He's SO COOL that I want to know more about Him!
Jealous love had overtaken me. I wish I would have lived in that state of love for Him forever, but as quickly as it set in, it passed away. What it would be to live so jealously in love with Him that we spend our days trying to be with Him more so that we could simply get to know Him? Man, do I desire to live this way.
But until then...
Until the world's not worthy.
I do have a fiance and though I'm sure many young women in the world wish they could have him, but I wasn't jealous of them or him - his heart is focused on Jesus and then me, and this I have no doubts over. My friends have also made me feel jealous in previous years if one of them got to hang out with the other and I had to be somewhere and I felt uninvolved. This feeling wasn't about them, though, either.
For the first time in my walk with the Lord I believe that I've felt what it means to have jealous love for someone. I thought of my friends in Africa doing God's work and them being able to see the miracle of salvation and other miracles as well and experience these miracles even in their own lives (see http://www.gtafriccamission.blogspot.com/ ), and I became jealous. I was struck to my seat by this feeling in the beginning of chapel and my mind wandered: Why should I be jealous of God doing work in and through other people? Could I possibly be so dense?
Desperacy. I know this isn't a word, but I'd like to think that it's the ongoing state of being overtaken by and being desperate. I'm truly deperate to know Jesus and all that He is, to see His love flow into me and overflow to others, to see miracles in my life so I can attest to God's goodness and to pray for miracles in others' lives so the miracle can bring glory to God. I want...I need...I'm desperate to know Him. This is not about the things He does, I want to know HIM. [all this is said with tears in my eyes and sincerity of heart]
Think of a best friend that you admire. You might want to be seen with them because you know they're so cool and everyone loves them because of how great they are. Even when you can't be with them when they're working or going to class, you still want to know everything that's going on in their lives because you just enjoy having a relationship with them. In my time of jealous thoughts, I realized I just wanted to be involved with everything that God was doing because I want to be with Him in everything He's doing because He's SO COOL that I want to know more about Him!
Jealous love had overtaken me. I wish I would have lived in that state of love for Him forever, but as quickly as it set in, it passed away. What it would be to live so jealously in love with Him that we spend our days trying to be with Him more so that we could simply get to know Him? Man, do I desire to live this way.
But until then...
Until the world's not worthy.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Problems?
This past Sunday I visitted APC where I did my internship two summers ago. Pastor Andy preached part of the twisted series and this particular message was about "What I think about my problems."
The sermon began with the pastor's personal experience in trusting God blindly for a missions trip. He went to Haiti with an idea in mind but no contacts in the village and only a word from God through a friend that he would meet a man of peace there. He met that man of peace - the only person he met all week in ministry that spoke english and was able to minister to many churches in the area. This man also had a word from God through a friend about visitors coming and staying with him for a short time. An amazing story of God's faithfulness.
The sermon's main point was "Problems are oppurtunities for God to prove His Power." I'd like to believe that my mindset was completely changed as soon as I heard the message, but I believe that it triggered the beginning of what will become a long process. I would love to live in the fact that EVERY problem I face is an oppurtunity for God to prove His power - May my beautiful Jesus continue to tranform my heart so that one day I can truly be blessed in my problems for the sake of seeing Him glorified.
Another key point that God peirced my heart with was the pastor's words at the end, "I long to see my impossibilities bow at the name of Jesus Christ." These words still bring tears to my eyes and desperacy into my heart as those words alone sets fire and burns up my hay-filled mind. I want these key points to penetrate my soul so deeply that I come out transformed.
I will continue to pray for my Jesus to change me in exactly this way as often as I remember. Jesus, would you change me to be more like You. Help me realize that every problem that I have is not a reason for me to complain more or have someone pity me but it's for You to be able to prove Your goodness, faithfulness, love...and power in and through my life. Would You, Jesus, by Your blood, transform me daily so I can be more like You. One day I will see You face-to-face and I'll be like You, but I want to get as close to being like You as possible on this side of eternity. Until that day, Lord...
Until the world's not worthy.
Nicole
The sermon began with the pastor's personal experience in trusting God blindly for a missions trip. He went to Haiti with an idea in mind but no contacts in the village and only a word from God through a friend that he would meet a man of peace there. He met that man of peace - the only person he met all week in ministry that spoke english and was able to minister to many churches in the area. This man also had a word from God through a friend about visitors coming and staying with him for a short time. An amazing story of God's faithfulness.
The sermon's main point was "Problems are oppurtunities for God to prove His Power." I'd like to believe that my mindset was completely changed as soon as I heard the message, but I believe that it triggered the beginning of what will become a long process. I would love to live in the fact that EVERY problem I face is an oppurtunity for God to prove His power - May my beautiful Jesus continue to tranform my heart so that one day I can truly be blessed in my problems for the sake of seeing Him glorified.
Another key point that God peirced my heart with was the pastor's words at the end, "I long to see my impossibilities bow at the name of Jesus Christ." These words still bring tears to my eyes and desperacy into my heart as those words alone sets fire and burns up my hay-filled mind. I want these key points to penetrate my soul so deeply that I come out transformed.
I will continue to pray for my Jesus to change me in exactly this way as often as I remember. Jesus, would you change me to be more like You. Help me realize that every problem that I have is not a reason for me to complain more or have someone pity me but it's for You to be able to prove Your goodness, faithfulness, love...and power in and through my life. Would You, Jesus, by Your blood, transform me daily so I can be more like You. One day I will see You face-to-face and I'll be like You, but I want to get as close to being like You as possible on this side of eternity. Until that day, Lord...
Until the world's not worthy.
Nicole
Friday, October 10, 2008
Living in Community
The beauty of community:
Alan Hirsch suggests the idea of 3rd place ministries. This involves discipling people and being in community with people who share common interests (such as coffee shops, jazz clubs, skiing, hiking, bowling, book clubs) and meet there on their free time. How can we partner and fellowship with those we feel we should be discipling? Meet on common ground - do what you like to do. Foreign concep, I know. I hate to say this, and I may get stoned, but church as an instituation just isn't working for us. It's time to branch out. It's time to follow Jesus where our generation can best find Him, and maybe that's not ... inchurchasweknowit...........(pretend I didn't say that).
I'm blessed to know that one day we will all see eye-to-eye and live in perfect unity, but until then...
-Until the world's not worthy.
Nicole
- Prayer support in times of need
- Friends to huddle around you in great faith for your situation
- People who weep with you as you weep and mourn with you as you mourn and laugh with you as you laugh
- Discipleship with full effectiveness
- Seeing the love of Christ through peers
- Provision, generosity, and power
- Generational blessings
- Effective discipline, when necessary
Alan Hirsch suggests the idea of 3rd place ministries. This involves discipling people and being in community with people who share common interests (such as coffee shops, jazz clubs, skiing, hiking, bowling, book clubs) and meet there on their free time. How can we partner and fellowship with those we feel we should be discipling? Meet on common ground - do what you like to do. Foreign concep, I know. I hate to say this, and I may get stoned, but church as an instituation just isn't working for us. It's time to branch out. It's time to follow Jesus where our generation can best find Him, and maybe that's not ... inchurchasweknowit...........(pretend I didn't say that).
I'm blessed to know that one day we will all see eye-to-eye and live in perfect unity, but until then...
-Until the world's not worthy.
Nicole
Friday, October 3, 2008
Intrinsically Selfish
Yes I, Nicole Kammetler, am selfish. My suitemate, Jen, and I have been having weekly prayer times together and this week we decided to try a project: Reach out to someone that you know looks up to you in some way and you just haven't invested any time into them. Easy enough, right? Maybe for you, but I'm intrinsically selfish.
We gave ourselves about a week to accomplish this goal. You may think, "wow, that's a lot of time to take a couple hours to spend with someone you normally don't hang out with." We thought that too. In fact, I had planned on meeting with my "project" or more appropriately, "the person I know I should be spending time with occasionally and yet have never 'had the time' to do so." I could do this.
I walked right passed her on the day I planned to have lunch with her, talking with one of my friends as she looked to me. Literally. My "project" followed me. Literally. Ignoring her in such a way, I realized my actions were rude, and maybe even selfish. Not me, surely not I. I'm so generous with monetary gifts and serving others and helping people in their desperate times of need. Yet I let this person ask me questions and follow me around as I continued to resume conversation with one of my friends who I spend time with daily. And then I ignored my plans and ate with the friends who I eat with frequently. Upon coming back to my room - I felt satisfied that I did what I wanted. Then it hit me that I didn't do what mattered to eternity at that moment; I followed temporal desires that will probably be burned up when I stand before the Judgment seat of God.
My suitemate wasn't able to complete her task either. Why is this? Were we too busy? I assure you that I have a busy schedule, but it wasn't that. Were we too shy? Nope, this is definitely not it. Was there no opportunity? My opportunity tracked me down and followed me - how much more of an open door did I need?
I'm sorry to burst everyone's bubble, but it's better for us all if I get this out there. I am intrinsically selfish. Though I spend time doing my own thing every single day, it was too hard for me to sacrifice one conversation and one meal in order to pour into someone who looks up to me. Sacrifice in other cultures means giving your life to become a martyr or suffering for the cause of Christ. As a westerner, I wish I could embrace this mindset, but I still think of fasting one meal as sacrifice, or driving someone to the store as a sacrifice, or eating with someone who is not my first choice to eat with as an actual sacrifice. Absolutely ridiculous.
Jesus paid the ultimate sacrifice for me by dying for me, knowing that I have the choice to turn from Him or following Him regardless of His sacrifice. It very well may have been wasted, but He died for me anyway. Yet I walk through life as if not watching a certain movie is a sacrifice for His kingdom. I am foolish. In His presence I can only cry, "woe is me, I am undone."
It is my desire within the next couple weeks to give of my time through sacrifice and beg God to change this cold heart of mine that I may be able to walk according to the faith that I profess.
Forgive me Lord, for being selfish and harming others' well beings in the process by not investing in them. Please change me now so that I have may store up treasures in Heaven that aren't burned up because my motives were wrong. Change me so that I may one day stand before You as one who has overcome. But until that day, Lord...
Until the world's not worthy. - Hebrews 11
We gave ourselves about a week to accomplish this goal. You may think, "wow, that's a lot of time to take a couple hours to spend with someone you normally don't hang out with." We thought that too. In fact, I had planned on meeting with my "project" or more appropriately, "the person I know I should be spending time with occasionally and yet have never 'had the time' to do so." I could do this.
I walked right passed her on the day I planned to have lunch with her, talking with one of my friends as she looked to me. Literally. My "project" followed me. Literally. Ignoring her in such a way, I realized my actions were rude, and maybe even selfish. Not me, surely not I. I'm so generous with monetary gifts and serving others and helping people in their desperate times of need. Yet I let this person ask me questions and follow me around as I continued to resume conversation with one of my friends who I spend time with daily. And then I ignored my plans and ate with the friends who I eat with frequently. Upon coming back to my room - I felt satisfied that I did what I wanted. Then it hit me that I didn't do what mattered to eternity at that moment; I followed temporal desires that will probably be burned up when I stand before the Judgment seat of God.
My suitemate wasn't able to complete her task either. Why is this? Were we too busy? I assure you that I have a busy schedule, but it wasn't that. Were we too shy? Nope, this is definitely not it. Was there no opportunity? My opportunity tracked me down and followed me - how much more of an open door did I need?
I'm sorry to burst everyone's bubble, but it's better for us all if I get this out there. I am intrinsically selfish. Though I spend time doing my own thing every single day, it was too hard for me to sacrifice one conversation and one meal in order to pour into someone who looks up to me. Sacrifice in other cultures means giving your life to become a martyr or suffering for the cause of Christ. As a westerner, I wish I could embrace this mindset, but I still think of fasting one meal as sacrifice, or driving someone to the store as a sacrifice, or eating with someone who is not my first choice to eat with as an actual sacrifice. Absolutely ridiculous.
Jesus paid the ultimate sacrifice for me by dying for me, knowing that I have the choice to turn from Him or following Him regardless of His sacrifice. It very well may have been wasted, but He died for me anyway. Yet I walk through life as if not watching a certain movie is a sacrifice for His kingdom. I am foolish. In His presence I can only cry, "woe is me, I am undone."
It is my desire within the next couple weeks to give of my time through sacrifice and beg God to change this cold heart of mine that I may be able to walk according to the faith that I profess.
Forgive me Lord, for being selfish and harming others' well beings in the process by not investing in them. Please change me now so that I have may store up treasures in Heaven that aren't burned up because my motives were wrong. Change me so that I may one day stand before You as one who has overcome. But until that day, Lord...
Until the world's not worthy. - Hebrews 11
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